A while ago I was in a cab with Zi & we were conversing about things you converse with a cabbie—life. Anyway, in the midst of our conversations he asked me, “Would you have more children?”
As a mom, I am frequently asked if I just have one child. This is a question I toy with for several reasons. One, Zi asks me for siblings all of the time. Two, I think about my child being the youngest in the house full of adults—it must have its moments of loneliness. & three, my eggs wont last forever.
When I told the driver wholeheartedly, “Yes, I would have more children.” He assumed that I was in a relationship with Zi’s sperm donor. He thought that it was great that I was in a great relationship & that I hadn’t turned bitter.
I didn't correct him because I was at my destination & I didn’t feel the need to. However, his question really stuck with me because I felt like it spoke to my character. The truth is that my body wants more children—I still ovulate, but right now, it wouldn’t be a sound decision with the whole I just started a new job & I am looking for a home while my baby is still in NY type shit.
But, I still wonder, would I choose this path again. Would I be a babymama again to someone else?
No matter if you are married or in a committed relationship, I think all sexual beings should consider being single parents. Life happens, people die, change their minds, get sick, lose employment, or are parentally challenged. I am not saying that you shouldn’t ask for help, but nothing is guaranteed & I know that I have more tricks up my sleeve than a mom who has a husband, a nanny, or a babysitter. I have to learn how to juggle working & still being present for my child. Cook, clean, doctor, & all of the many things it takes to be a mama. I had to learn how to ask for help too! I learned a lot of it from watching my mama, who did not only raised us alone & poor, but was also disabled. I had to be her legs & eyes & I grew up pretty fast because I am her first born.
I get really upset when I read things like, I wouldn’t wish single parenthood on anyone. Shit, I would. Babymamahood isn’t a death sentence. It isn’t shameful. Being a bad parent is. But choosing to honor life with life isn’t. I know so many of my friends who have sound careers, are great sisters, & staples in their community, who are reaching their forties, & come home to no one, every night.
I think we need to get over the idea that we need a man to help us raise our children. In actuality, you don’t need A man. You need a village, a series of men who are willing to be present for mentorship & sharing their resources. That child also need a series of women to help do the same. I don’t get mad when my daughter calls other women mami. She needs as many in her corner as she can get.
Would I choose to be a babymama again, yes. Am I ready right now, No. Was I ready when I had Zi, maybe… Let me get my money up, I will have a whole tribe of kids. Why? Because I am pretty damn good at being a mama. I owe a lot of that to God, my mama, & to the many friends along the way that have held our hands & our hearts.
The next post I want to write is why am unmarried in the first place & why I may always be.