I’ve been really thinking about what it is that I want to do with my life & not worry about the financial aspect of it. Not worry about the parental aspect of it. Meaning, just let myself dream for a moment. So, I’ve asked myself a series of questions…
What are the feelings that I want to have while I do the work that I do?
As someone who has been teaching for the past 12 years in different capacities & in different cities, I want a job that brings up the feelings of self care. I want to feel like the work & love that I put in is not only meaningful to others, but also to me. I want my dedication to feel like it is being reciprocated. That somehow as I do my work for others, I am doing it for myself first or at least second. I don’t want to come last at my job—emotionally & spiritually speaking.
I want the kind of work where it feels like play.
I want to do it with my daughter.
In thinking about what I would love to do with my life, I asked myself what are the things that I love the most?
I love jam sessions with organic instruments & bodies. I love travel. I love movement & dance & how music reminds my body of grace. I love to write for myself. I love spirituality. I am in awe with the power of breath & meditation. I love peace & silence. I love loud drumming. I love watching my daughter grow. I love being a witness to growth. I love handling dirt & planting seeds in flowerpots. I love gains, nuts, fruits, & veggies. I love taking long walks. I love learning. I love sitting at a table with tea & laptop. I secretly love taking pictures. I love polaroids. I love looking at nature like a picture. I love to stare & eye-trace the lines of what others call imperfections. I love shapes. I love to touch textured surfaces. I love turtles. I am terrified of water, but love the idea of my bones & muscles swimming. I want to go underneath the gaps of the earth. I want to see more. I want to find my father. He is dead, but I want to find him… I love taking things apart. I love putting things together. I love being a solution. I love challenging others & myself for the purpose of feeling & healing. I love how open & expansive & calculated the stars are. I love how responsive the universe is.
So, now that I have this list. In my wildest dream here is what I have conjured:
I want my home to be a canvass. Underneath that canvass is a map. I want to live my life scratching borders & skies. I want my daughter’s uniform to be the grass. To spend her days running outside as wild & loud as her voice can grasp. I want to teach about history by being on the land, by seeing the Sphinx & crossing the paths like the trials of tears & the triangular trade... Yes, I want her to read books, but I also want her to look up; to understand braille, because sometimes we see more with our eyes closed & through what we feel. I want her school ID to be a passport. To perfect a recipe for mosquito repellent. I want to be light. To master the art of letting go & only taking what we can carry. I want to compost, to reuse the waste. To dig my hand into the land & honor her for what she brings & what I put in. I want to write with very light editing. I want it raw. I want to honor the mistakes. I want to backpack with my Zi. I want our tongues to witness new ways to fold sound. To let our spirits dance barefoot on ancient ground. I do not want to travel with any agendas. Any political thought. I do not want to infringe. I just want to bring myself, my guides of light, & feel the world all around. To live my through the five sense as god bes... See, what I've learn & what I could bring back to my home, the page. What word I could give to wherever that time, space, reality is… I really want to redefine what it means to travel as a babymama with a child & not worry about the stability, respectability aspect of it. I rather be poor with many homes. Then, be stuck right here with only a circle of where to go.
Thank you for allowing me to dream. I just got word that today is the New Moon. Wow, the universe be knowing.
Here's to making a living by letting living make me. <3